.....is the question. Well those of you who know me, know some of my main struggles. I've often wondered why I ever blog, I keep up with everyone on facebook or email. As I have recently been faced with choices I decided I needed to utilize this blog as an outlet for an eating disorder that tries to grip my life daily. This disease is something I keep private but I know the only way to conquer it is to come forward and recognize it to the full extent.
I recently joined an Eating Disorders Anonymous group as well as Alcoholics Anonymous. I myself do not suffer from alcoholism per say, but I am an addict and I have the tendency to be addicted to anything really. As we sat in a circle at the last EDA meeting I was amazed at how we each felt unique in our problems, yet we all sounded disturbingly similar. I kept thinking to myself that I was the only one who drove myself into the ground---
I have spent close to the last 15 years of my life in bondage to self-hatred, self-doubt, and fear of complete failure. I had a brief flicker of light when I was pregnant and the six months postpartum. I have tried to figure it all out and 'fix' it but it's been an endless battle with endless therapists...
A couple of interesting things I have learned recently and understand about myself is that I use the control of eating, and over exercise to completely control my anxiety. I also utilize it to numb myself from the intensity of my feelings. I think I fear what I might be or be capable of if I allow myself the freedom of feeling. I think that the twelve steps are amazing for a million other things than alcohol---just what exactly is your bottle? So on go the steps of recovery....
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
