Monday, October 5, 2009

The Race is On....

Karlee, Nancy, T-Money, Alma and Sierra Cascade Conference Preview
This year has been a pivotal year for me. Many changes have happened and one of the changes has been taking on running and putting the bike up in the garage (except for Sunday strolls). I have discovered immense things about myself in my running career so far, first of all I have learned it's time to trust myself and believe truth about my abilities. I never realized until now how much self doubt I actually struggle with, and in competition on your feet you have no time to doubt the work you've done.

One of my favorite races so far was when I was relaxed and having fun, running through an acorn orchard and rain was falling on our shoulders. Hardly any spectators were around and it was myself chasing down the first place winner....when I had the ability to realize what I was doing and focus I had a blast.

My results so far have been 14:39-4th place on a 2.5 mile course at NNU, 17:58-2nd place on a 5k course at Conference Preview, and 17:58-16th out 241 at Willamette Invite.

This last race at Willamette provided the most testing race thus far. I have had one of the hardest weeks in training with a gruesome chest cold and injured foot (thanks conference preview), completing all my mileage on a mouse trap called a treadmill I was apprehensive putting on my number to race. As we got on the line I looked around seeing close to 250 other women wondering how I was going to make it into the top ten. When the horn went off I sprinted to the front coming close to blowing up, once on the course I felt as though my chest was going to tighten until combustion. After settling into the first mile my right foot started to hurt pretty bad, I looked down and realized the right shoe had come untied. You can't exactly stop and tie your shoe so I worked through the pain and made it to the finish.

I can't complain with the results. I didn't regress in time, and frankly the course this week was ten times harder than the previous weeks race. I can learn from this point that you have to ignore things like shoes coming untied and remain focused in order to get good results. I also realize that I need to shut the bull shit off in my head the days before my races.

I love this sport and look forward to pinning on the next number!!




NNU meet 9.12.09


Monday, July 20, 2009

Shoot---ain't I lucky?


About a month ago we took the boys fishing. It was splendid fun until we caught the fish. Seth adamantly told us to put the fish back in the water and Eliott just said, "hurt, back in the water." As we were watching them I was in complete awe of how fast this whole life process occurs. It seems as though it were yesterday that I looked in disbelief at the positive pregnancy test; and in the same breath it seems ancient that I was an incubator for this small child only two years ago.

I just had my ten year reunion and let me tell you---it was entertaining, although I am looking forward to the twenty year reunion much much more. I think we were still in high school a smidge---so most cliques remained and a few people scoffed at one another as if the halls of LHS were still around us. I will be honest, it was a little fresh to feel insecure for a moment because of who you considered yourself to be in high school and SHIT you are right back where you left off. Ten years is really not that long.

I say these things only because a few of my own resentments were permeating around me as I saw old faces that I was hurt by in my adolescent years. Oh how cruel children are to one another. So as end result I see my growth now after this reunion and realize how dramatically different I am, and my life is. Thank GOD! It was refreshing to laugh over old stories and see people that I still hold dear, but all too haunting at the same time.

In other news I am entering my second year of school this fall at EOU. It is a reminder how fresh those high school memories are when you are surrounded by young faces all over again. I will be running cross country this fall and track this spring---marathon specific. My goal is to hit a 3:00 marathon time that will bust the record for women up at EOU. I think it is unbelievably attainable and I feel very lucky for the people speaking into my athletic life these days. I also am so serene about the fact that I waited so long to pursue this endurance athleticism later in life...after childbirth and growing pains I have a new tolerance to pain that will enable a better performance.

Other than that I am staying busy at my new location of 1425 Washington Ave. in La Grande building my massage client base. I'm not doing a whole lot---just being a mom, wife, student, massage therapist, athlete, sister and friend. I look forward to my upcoming aspirations and all that life has for me---on life's terms of course.

PS-I am approaching 90 days of sobriety this week....I can't believe what my HP and the people in the program have enabled me to do!!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

To eat or not to eat......


.....is the question. Well those of you who know me, know some of my main struggles. I've often wondered why I ever blog, I keep up with everyone on facebook or email. As I have recently been faced with choices I decided I needed to utilize this blog as an outlet for an eating disorder that tries to grip my life daily. This disease is something I keep private but I know the only way to conquer it is to come forward and recognize it to the full extent.

I recently joined an Eating Disorders Anonymous group as well as Alcoholics Anonymous. I myself do not suffer from alcoholism per say, but I am an addict and I have the tendency to be addicted to anything really. As we sat in a circle at the last EDA meeting I was amazed at how we each felt unique in our problems, yet we all sounded disturbingly similar. I kept thinking to myself that I was the only one who drove myself into the ground---

I have spent close to the last 15 years of my life in bondage to self-hatred, self-doubt, and fear of complete failure. I had a brief flicker of light when I was pregnant and the six months postpartum. I have tried to figure it all out and 'fix' it but it's been an endless battle with endless therapists...

A couple of interesting things I have learned recently and understand about myself is that I use the control of eating, and over exercise to completely control my anxiety. I also utilize it to numb myself from the intensity of my feelings. I think I fear what I might be or be capable of if I allow myself the freedom of feeling. I think that the twelve steps are amazing for a million other things than alcohol---just what exactly is your bottle? So on go the steps of recovery....

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."