.....is the question. Well those of you who know me, know some of my main struggles. I've often wondered why I ever blog, I keep up with everyone on facebook or email. As I have recently been faced with choices I decided I needed to utilize this blog as an outlet for an eating disorder that tries to grip my life daily. This disease is something I keep private but I know the only way to conquer it is to come forward and recognize it to the full extent.
I recently joined an Eating Disorders Anonymous group as well as Alcoholics Anonymous. I myself do not suffer from alcoholism per say, but I am an addict and I have the tendency to be addicted to anything really. As we sat in a circle at the last EDA meeting I was amazed at how we each felt unique in our problems, yet we all sounded disturbingly similar. I kept thinking to myself that I was the only one who drove myself into the ground---
I have spent close to the last 15 years of my life in bondage to self-hatred, self-doubt, and fear of complete failure. I had a brief flicker of light when I was pregnant and the six months postpartum. I have tried to figure it all out and 'fix' it but it's been an endless battle with endless therapists...
A couple of interesting things I have learned recently and understand about myself is that I use the control of eating, and over exercise to completely control my anxiety. I also utilize it to numb myself from the intensity of my feelings. I think I fear what I might be or be capable of if I allow myself the freedom of feeling. I think that the twelve steps are amazing for a million other things than alcohol---just what exactly is your bottle? So on go the steps of recovery....
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
1 comment:
Hey chicky,
Was just checking in on you and read your blog. I know about some of your struggles. My sister almost died from not eating, throwing up, and over exercising. She more then once went running and woke up laying in the middle of the street. She went from a size 12 to a size 0. For years we wanted to help her but our efforts did little good. In the end she had therapy and looked inside herself for the strength she had. She has tought me a lot through her actions. I know you can also do what it will take to make it. Embrace in yourself the difference that makes you who you are. I know you are special and I do not need to be around you now to know that. We all make our mistakes, but we live and learn. You always have a special place in my heart little chicky:)
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