thoughts on winter.

So I don't want to be a drag but I hate the winter.  I have tried the last couple of years to really embrace the winter months.  With out these months I could not enjoy the other months as much as I do, right?  wrong.  very wrong.  When the sun is going down after I am finally coherent, I have a hard time with that embrace.  

Not only is the winter hard for me as a neurotic germaphobe (sp?), I feel it really wears on my relationships and emotions.  I tend to suck inward even more than I do naturally.  I begin this long winter introspective thinking pattern, which can be good (see previous blog).  Perhaps it is because we are pent up indoors and have immense amounts of time for reflective thinking.  I think I spend this reflective thinking period on memories and what could have been, should have been.

When picking up the literature for alcoholics anonymous it tells you to live in the now.  So this is what I will begin making an effort on.  Living now, not tomorrow, or last night, or ten years ago...now.  It's funny to think how many of us don't do this.  I don't.  I am thinking about the next bike ride, run, event that will gratify my selfish desires.  I know I miss moments with my son, or family because I'm somewhere else in my mind.  I know it's time to make my paradigm shift even more than my creative desires.  

There is more to life than going, doing and becoming.  Breathe.  Take everything around you in, because in a second it can and will be gone.

Selfish Introspect?

Seven years ago I thrived on my creative process. Riding a bike for four hours at a time, or running a marathon were not on the forefront of my mind. In fact, they were no where in my mind. As I recall my first time on a road bike I was terrified of the speed----even at 10mph. Pushing myself to the limit or making ridiculous athletic goals were no where on my list of endeavors.

This particular period in my life I was learning about good wine, cheese and chocolate---french films and real music. The days of sipping on coffee at 'The Market' in downtown Denver, sketching in my notepad. Oh that's right, I was pursuing art and creative writing at 'that time'. My journals were full of introspective thinking, a bit of sulking if you will. I think I had the ability to feel pretty well back then.

A shift occurred in the year 2001. My focus shifted dramatically from what mattered, to what I had to prove. I met valuable people that have challenged me mentally, even more so physically. I began riding bikes, racing, training, then consuming cycling 24/7. With this shift I lost all of my creative desires. I was numbed, drained and wasted from driving myself into the ground. As the years have passed I have realized that this athletic pursuit has become my anti-depressant, evolving into my addiction.

When running the Marathon in November I had a lot to consider during those 26.2 miles. Why was I doing what I was doing, and what happened to me? I felt as though every mile ran, every pedal stroke in the last 7 years I had lost pieces of my core being. Was there a way to be an efficient athlete and artist? I had drained myself of all emotion as a self avoidance mechanism. A week ago I decided it was time to face the music.

In all my self-image issues I decided to do a self portrait, perhaps even a series of them. Not only to take inventory on how I viewed myself, but to practice those long lost art skills. Come to find out when I save some physical energy I still have a creative process, and the joy from that is more fulfilling than completing 26.2 miles on foot.

Here is the first draft of the portrait. I share this photo with all of you that are important in my life, it's a vulnerable state that I wish to stay in...it makes me a better person, friend, wife and mother. I hope to become a more successful artist and efficient athlete as well.

"I'm not that hardcore to just go in my pants"

November 30th came and went......well not just like that, it was a staple in my identity crossing that finish line. The finish line I am talking about is the Seattle Marathon. The marathon that mind you is NOT a P.R. (personal record) course. So much so that at mile 21 they place a staircase hill right in front of you to run up---really people are we trying to kill the competitors?


Through out the training of this marathon I didn't follow the program as I should have, I realize this now. You have weekly speed work outs, short runs, tempo runs, long runs and rest days. Well because of my history as a bike racer I decided to supplement bike in place of speed work outs, as well as a lot of cross training. Okay, so I ran two times a week one of those runs being a long run. Needless to say at mile 20, the mile marker I stopped training at, I crashed.

The race started brisk. I stayed with the pacers for an 8 minute mile, 3:30 marathon time. Like I mentioned before I felt strong until mile 20.....only to be faced with a treacherous hill at 21.....not to mention all the "rollers" before that. So at 21 the pacer and a few other runners slowly ran away from me. I struggled for a couple of miles and then pulled my head together to finish strong. Allowing me to finish in 3:33 instead of 3:30. This is a time I can only be proud of considering it was my first marathon, on a slow hilly course too!

At the finish I reveled in what I just accomplished, hoping to be in the top ten of my division, well I guess I will settle with 14th in my division--as well as 33rd out of all 773 women! Now on to a more disciplined structured training program, I hope to have a 3:15 time in Eugene, and maybe 3 hours in Portland. We'll cross our fingers. Needless to say I am addicted!!

About the staple in my identity. I have always related fitness to bike racing and thinking that is what I need to succeed at to be a good athlete. An old friend introduced me to the sport and he has excelled above and beyond, my pre race jitters and fear of speed all kept me from excelling in that sport. So when I crossed that finish line I realized that all that base fitness from the bike totally prepared me for a new life in competitve racing----running. New doors open and I see myself as a new individual with nothing to prove to anyone but myself.....race on!

El giving me a post race massage!!

Just finishing.....exhausted.

Family photo before the start!!