Selfish Introspect?

Seven years ago I thrived on my creative process. Riding a bike for four hours at a time, or running a marathon were not on the forefront of my mind. In fact, they were no where in my mind. As I recall my first time on a road bike I was terrified of the speed----even at 10mph. Pushing myself to the limit or making ridiculous athletic goals were no where on my list of endeavors.

This particular period in my life I was learning about good wine, cheese and chocolate---french films and real music. The days of sipping on coffee at 'The Market' in downtown Denver, sketching in my notepad. Oh that's right, I was pursuing art and creative writing at 'that time'. My journals were full of introspective thinking, a bit of sulking if you will. I think I had the ability to feel pretty well back then.

A shift occurred in the year 2001. My focus shifted dramatically from what mattered, to what I had to prove. I met valuable people that have challenged me mentally, even more so physically. I began riding bikes, racing, training, then consuming cycling 24/7. With this shift I lost all of my creative desires. I was numbed, drained and wasted from driving myself into the ground. As the years have passed I have realized that this athletic pursuit has become my anti-depressant, evolving into my addiction.

When running the Marathon in November I had a lot to consider during those 26.2 miles. Why was I doing what I was doing, and what happened to me? I felt as though every mile ran, every pedal stroke in the last 7 years I had lost pieces of my core being. Was there a way to be an efficient athlete and artist? I had drained myself of all emotion as a self avoidance mechanism. A week ago I decided it was time to face the music.

In all my self-image issues I decided to do a self portrait, perhaps even a series of them. Not only to take inventory on how I viewed myself, but to practice those long lost art skills. Come to find out when I save some physical energy I still have a creative process, and the joy from that is more fulfilling than completing 26.2 miles on foot.

Here is the first draft of the portrait. I share this photo with all of you that are important in my life, it's a vulnerable state that I wish to stay in...it makes me a better person, friend, wife and mother. I hope to become a more successful artist and efficient athlete as well.